Monday, August 12, 2019

Feeling feelings, I don't want to feel anymore.

Sisters kissing before the wedding in 2010


I don't know what it is, but I have these times when I get low on energy,  I start "feeling feelings" that I don't want to feel anymore. The kind of feelings, I spent too much time on - even years. Just don't want to feel them again.


The last couple of days, I have been missing my younger sister, Donna. She died Sept. 2015 suddenly at age 56. She had been feeling tired and went to take a nap and never woke up. She was the last of my little birth family. I am now the only one left. We later found out that she died of Cirrhosis of the Liver. They found a bottle of vodka in her nightstand that apparently even her husband didn't know she had.

I guess I have questions, that won't ever be answered. And that drives me crazy. How come, she didn't know she had cirrhosis of the liver? How can someone NOT KNOW THIS? The last couple of times that I saw her, she wasn't looking good. We all go through those times, when our health if not the best - so I just thought she was tired and it was affecting her appearance. My brother-in-law is of no help whatsoever in answering questions. He himself is a drunk. Plus, he is lonely without her and I know it hasn't been easy for him. They had only been married about 5 years when she died so they were still very much in love. When her little dog died after she did, he couldn't bear to get rid of the dog, so he placed the little dog in the garage freezer. My niece says the dog is still there. Now that is some "complicated grief." but as a man, (sorry men) he refuses to get any help.

A year before she died. 

I just miss her. We weren't close but we were hopeful that our relationship would get closer as we got older. We shared a lot of baggage between us that we were still working through. Who would have thought I would outlive her? I was 5 years old when she was born. I still remember. I wasn't supposed to outlive her.

My last picture of her. 

The 7th of August was my first-born son's 42nd birthday. It didn't get me down, like years past - I woke up knowing the day and just smiled. I miss him terribly but he's been gone for so long now, that I have learned how to live without him. He was 25 when he passed. Life goes on. Sometimes when we are grieving, that saying, "Life goes on" makes us mad. So don't ever say that to someone who is grieving. You have to allow them to figure it out on their own. For some, it takes YEARS (like me)
Michael age 3

So yeah, I am missing my sister..more than I thought I ever would because we weren't always friends. Boy did we have some wars with each other, where we didn't talk for many months. Oh how I wish, she was still here. Maybe we would be best friends - maybe not. I just miss having her in my life.


  1. I am sorry for your losses. I would imagine if your sister hadn't been to doctors or had been to doctors and wasn't too revealing of any symptoms she might have had, her liver cirrhosis might not have been diagnosed. Its hard to do but sometimes you just have to let it go and not wonder if or wonder why. I give that advice but I'm terrible at taking it myself. I still have my 2 siblings, a brother and sister. I'm the youngest of them. I'm not particularly close to them, more so in these later years due to "this or that" so I'm not sure what I will feel when they pass. My mom was the last of her siblings of 10 total, her being the youngest. I wondered how she felt with them and her parents all gone. Grief is a mighty powerful thing. You think you have a handle on it and it just sneaks up on you again.


  2. I can't imagine your grief, losing a child would be horrible.
    Losing my dad has been hard for me

  3. I can see how you're having feelings and feelings while missing your sister and your son, Debbie. Me and my sister are about six years apart, and sometimes I think we're closer than she does. We are so different, but I probably tell her more than anyone. Sending some comfort your way tonight, and it's ok to be having so many feelings swirling around. I think that's how we deal with grief, and it sounds like you have some unanswered questions and things you need to sort out to feel better about things. : )


  4. I'm sorry about your sister. I grew up with 3 brothers and always wished I had a sister.


Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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