Sunday, May 06, 2018
I'm going to do it this time!
In a couple of days, it will be the 15th anniversary of the death of my firstborn son. He was 25. As I have mentioned before in previous posts, I spent almost 10 years in what is called, "Complicated grief.". I just couldn't get out of it. I was deeply depressed; there was no life in me. I lost it, the day Michael died. Slow (very slow) I got better, mainly because I got tired of wasting my life. I HAD to make a decision and work it out within my soul - to finally let it go.
Truth is, you never, "let it go" - you just learn to live with this new reality. and yes, you have to accept it. It's a done deal.
During all of this time, I have been holding on to Michael's ashes. I got it in my head, that I was protecting him. I was his Mom and that's what Mom's do. The last 5 years, I have been nagged by my own conscious, that I need to find a final resting place for Michael. I need to do this!
My Christian belief is that I will see him again. I TRULY believe this. That those ashes are just of his earthly body and has no soul, no spirit. They are just ashes. What I was having an issue with, is that when I would say I wanted to "scatter" his ashes, well-meaning people would question me about whether or not it was "scriptural". They would mention the resurrection of the dead and would God be able to "find him" if he is scattered. That's a heavy trip to throw at someone who has grieved long and hard. It tripped me up. I had wanted to scatter him near ATT park on San Francisco Bay because he loved the Giants so much. Then I looked at columbariums and cremation niches. It didn't feel right to me. I truly want to let his ashes go - and in doing so, I am not in any way, getting rid of him, or dumping him. He was my special baby - my firstborn son. I could NEVER forget him. I adore him, still...to this day.
So I have decided after I have worked it out within myself, that I will scatter his ashes in the mountains around me. Tomorrow, I will go to a place that actually does this and to see what it all entails. If it doesn't feel right, we'll do it ourselves; hike somewhere secluded and bury his ashes.
It's hard. I have held on to those ashes that sit on my nightstand for 15 years! More than half of Michael's earthly life. I feel ashamed of myself.
There were also other concerns regarding his cremains. What if I die, what would become of his ashes? Recently I have read, where during a home robbery, the crooks took the urn with the ashes of their baby. Another it was their father. I would HATE to have that happen. His ashes deserve to be at rest. As for Michael, himself, I already KNOW he is at rest and is at peace and I will see him again.
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