Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Feeling lost and abandoned




Some days I feel lost. All I want to do is sit and stare and think. My sister and I were not as close as we wanted to be - as adults. My mom would pit one against the other and we both, were not friends with our mom at the same time. Mostly, I was on the outside - looking in. But when it came down to who would help Mom out, that last year before she committed suicide, it was me. I guess Mom wanted my sister and got stuck with me. That whole year, after our Dad passed away, my sister never went up to visit our Mom. She always made excuses. Plus she was working feverishly to find a man.

Later when she and I talked and shared some memories, good and bad, we found out Mom talked bad about each of us, to keep us always bickering. She would tell me, Donna said something about me and vise versa - and the thing was... 99% of it, were out and out LIES.

We never had a chance and I was sure, we would eventually break new ground on our sisterly relationship.

So yeah, I feel lost. I am stuck with all these thoughts. Things I never got a chance to tell my sister. She kept things inside more than I did. If something bothers me, I get it out PRONTO. I hate that ugly feeling you get, when you are pent up - it burns in my stomach and my mind.

I'm okay - I'm not grieving in my usual way. I guess maybe I feel abandoned. Not that she could help it. It's just so hard for me to believe, that she really is "gone."  That is what her husband, Doug said to me, when he was trying to break the news to me,

 "She's gone."
"What????"
"I'm sorry but she's gone."

"You're kidding me, right?"
"No, she has passed."

Maybe if I could cry and get it out of me, I would feel better. I've had just one or two cries.

 I think I am still in shock over it. I just can't believe, someone would just drop dead over Cirrhosis of the Liver - unless they knew. The blood tests are still pending. How can someone not know, they are dying of a disease? Can all-out alcoholism cause a person to be so addicted, they choose the booze over life? Or they think they can stop at any time? Or they think it's not that bad???

Saturday was her and Doug's 6th wedding anniversary. One thing, they did both, love each other very much. I am thankful for that.








9 comments:

  1. I stare at the walls all of the time. It's relaxing.
    Maybe you should try Al-Anon. I bet they could help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is strange - I thought I already answered this. Maybe it as in a dream - Anyway, yeah Al-anon sounds like a good idea. Thanks

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry. I understand. I went to my mother's funeral and was verbally attacked by my sisters who complained that Mother always said my children were perfect, and I was the perfect parent (I wasn't, and my children are not perfect by any means). I told them I spent years listening to her brag about their children. They said, You're kidding.

    No, I wasn't. She wanted us to hate one another. I haven't lost a sister to death--yet--but one has no contact with me whatsoever. Two send Christmas cards and gifts--nothing else. Only my oldest sister stays in touch. She reads my blog and will ask about a post sometimes. I am the youngest of five girls. Our brother was the oldest. He died long ago.

    Some people choose alcohol over life, but cirrhosis of the liver can be caused by certain medications and problems. It's not always alcohol.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funerals can bring out the dysfunction in many families.

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  3. I think Susie here is right about AA.

    We all have our own way of grieving. It is not easy to pour out our emotions and let them come out as tears. There is a lot of contemplation most of us have to go through.
    It must have been difficult for you to deal with differences while your sister was alive and is probably more difficult now that she is not around.
    Just see if you can forgive her and then may be you can hope that she has forgiven you for any hurt that came by.

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    Replies
    1. I'll never know if she has forgiven me - All I can do is work on forgiving her.

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  4. Oh my I can't imagine how you feel, since I have not experienced such a loss and to be honest I hope it doesn't happen for a long time to come I am pretty bloody close to my siblings

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    Replies
    1. I hope it doesn't happen for you for a long time, too. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Horrible.

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  5. Hug

    That's all I know to say.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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