Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Feeling lost and abandoned
Some days I feel lost. All I want to do is sit and stare and think. My sister and I were not as close as we wanted to be - as adults. My mom would pit one against the other and we both, were not friends with our mom at the same time. Mostly, I was on the outside - looking in. But when it came down to who would help Mom out, that last year before she committed suicide, it was me. I guess Mom wanted my sister and got stuck with me. That whole year, after our Dad passed away, my sister never went up to visit our Mom. She always made excuses. Plus she was working feverishly to find a man.
Later when she and I talked and shared some memories, good and bad, we found out Mom talked bad about each of us, to keep us always bickering. She would tell me, Donna said something about me and vise versa - and the thing was... 99% of it, were out and out LIES.
We never had a chance and I was sure, we would eventually break new ground on our sisterly relationship.
So yeah, I feel lost. I am stuck with all these thoughts. Things I never got a chance to tell my sister. She kept things inside more than I did. If something bothers me, I get it out PRONTO. I hate that ugly feeling you get, when you are pent up - it burns in my stomach and my mind.
I'm okay - I'm not grieving in my usual way. I guess maybe I feel abandoned. Not that she could help it. It's just so hard for me to believe, that she really is "gone." That is what her husband, Doug said to me, when he was trying to break the news to me,
"I'm sorry but she's gone."
"You're kidding me, right?"
"No, she has passed."
Maybe if I could cry and get it out of me, I would feel better. I've had just one or two cries.
I think I am still in shock over it. I just can't believe, someone would just drop dead over Cirrhosis of the Liver - unless they knew. The blood tests are still pending. How can someone not know, they are dying of a disease? Can all-out alcoholism cause a person to be so addicted, they choose the booze over life? Or they think they can stop at any time? Or they think it's not that bad???
Saturday was her and Doug's 6th wedding anniversary. One thing, they did both, love each other very much. I am thankful for that.
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