Sunday, March 09, 2014

Saving a marriage

no one is happy!

This morning, The Husband, myself and Char agreed to a conference call with Roy, his Pastor and her mentor up in Washington State.  Always before, it was just Char - this time, the Pastor wanted us in on the phone call, because she had emailed him earlier in the week,  to say she felt she was not in the marriage 100%.  She also felt as if the last conversation, she had been ganged up on. 

Lets just say that phone call, was not what Char wanted to hear. Roy apologized to her and to us, for his behavior. He insists he is changing for the best and right now, he has a good job that he has held for 2 months. He now has a place to live - (through the church) and a working vehicle. He is also is attending Celebrate Recovery and has some male accountability. Tearfully, he told Char how much he loved her and wants them to be together.

Hearing all of that shocked her to the point, that she had nothing to say. She was all set to tell them she wanted OUT.

She had written down what she wanted to say, due to her memory problems. As she read, I could tell how conflicted she was.  She finally just shut down emotionally. The Pastor and her mentor kept pressing her about "God's will" for their marriage and about "forgiveness" and about her "vows".  It did sound like they were ganging up on her and with Char's issues, she needs time, patience and space to sort all of this new information about Roy's new job.  They wanted her to renew her commitment right then and now. I asked why, Char wasn't kept in the loop - she should of known all of this 2 months ago. Roy and his secrecy is one of the issues. However, what I asked, was not even addressed. Had Char known he was "in process" perhaps she would not have started to think of divorce. She would of had some hope that he was trying.

I had to step in and let the Pastor know - that this job and living arrangement came out of no where and that while it is awesome, that Roy is starting to get his life back on track, that Char has now been thrown a curve - she needs time and space to process it all.

It was mentioned, that in order for them to heal and for Char to see changes in Roy, that they need to be physically living together. The Pastor suggested, that Roy come back down here - What??? I thought he had a job and a place to live?  Why would he quit a job?  When Char asked about that, her mentor (who is supposed to be on her side)  told her "THAT has nothing to do with anything."  Huh?

Conferences calls and speaking through speaker is a lousy way to communicate and to get important points across.

Char was adamant about that. She said,

 "NO way is that going to happen."  "I don't want him down here." 

Oh man, all of this is just a mess. The Husband is a hard man. They say "once a chief always a chief" and he is that type of hard person at times. Whereas I try and listen - and I did hear Roy and he sounded sincere although I know he can be very good at sincere manipulation.

Bottom-line, the ball is in Char's court now. She did say she needed time to rethink this. Hey that's a start. Sure it may not be what Roy wanted to hear but he has to be patient. He has hurt her and wounded her spirit so much that she doesn't know if she can trust him.

I really do HOPE that he has changed and will continue to grow. I hope it is what he wants for himself not just to get Char back. But that, whatever happens he can continue to change and learn from the anger-management that will last him a lifetime. I hope that if Char wants to give him another chance, that it works...and they will live happily ever after.

Does Happily Ever After even exist anymore - when the trust in a marriage has been defiled?  Time will tell.


  1. It is a good thing that people are helping this couple out.
    I just hope that she does not have to throw it all out.
    Sometimes out own emotions come in the way of our happiness and we end up loosing our cool.

    1. That is true. Feelings are felt but they not iron-clad facts.

  2. Sorry, but she seems better off without him. Of course she's living with you!

    1. She is better off without him right now for sure. But if the guy really is changing (if he really is) I guess she has to give him a chance. It's her choice and how much of this she wants to put herself through. I'm just tired of it all.

  3. He shouldn't quit his job. They're not easy to come by, so that's foolish advice. Maybe she'll want to join him later. I understand why you're emotionally exhausted.


  4. Since I have been married for going on 30 years I can tell you I am all for saving a marriage but there are some marriages that shouldn't be saved a couple need to decide if they are still in love and willing to work at saving a marriage it can't be all one sided

    1. You got that right!!! It has to be a joint effort.


Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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