Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Today my Michael would be 36 years old. Wow. I cannot believe that. I'm doing okay because I am keeping busy - I do feel a little sick to my stomach.
As I have mentioned before - it's better for me to keep busy and just keep living instead of taking time out to remember. When I do that, it is like torturing myself. I guess I am still not ready to do that. I have videos of him that I can't bear to watch because it tears me up, and sends me into a emotional upheaval.
He knows I love him and he also knows how I am - he knows that I am way too emotional for my own good. So by me just taking this day as any other day (even though deep down I am fully aware what today is) it is what is best for me.
I'm at my best when I just stuff my feelings - really! I know "they say" you need to "feel" those feelings and on the most part I do agree with all of that - I am here to say, I've been there - done that and "feeling my feelings" on my son's birthday does nothing but mess with my mind. I honestly wish I could release balloons, and walk in the forest, or sit on a lonely fogged in beach, or pick flowers in a meadow. I just can't.
So today I will do laundry, clean - and keep my mind and body busy. That works best for me.
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