Sunday, July 28, 2013
When do I get my gold watch?
Mothering little ones was hectic but fun. Raising them up and watching them grow, was the best job I ever had. I wasn't ready to let them go at age 18 - Michael, my oldest son stayed home and attended the local college and then he planned to transfer to a university. That worked out well. I had 2 more years with him and it was fun looking at colleges together and planning. When he finally left, it wasn't so bad. I was excited for him. Plus he came home every major holiday and breaks and for the summer. After he graduated Cal State Long Beach, he decided to stay down in Southern Cal - he had made a life for himself down there. I missed him but was truly happy for him. - Then he died.
Foodie was 22 and Navy was 18 and just about to graduate high school. When Navy left home, empty nest hit me hard. It was mixed with the grief and menopause.
My boys and I have always been close but now, with one gone, the other 2 were my life. All of a sudden, when one dies, you second guess yourself on everything. Did I do this right? Should I have done this better? Blah blah blah. You have regrets. So in a way, I guess I was trying to make things right - with the other two. That would be the divorce.
It was as hard for them as it was for me. Then to have a father totally desert them - I was all they had. The Husband was a good step-father back then. Maybe he still is and he's not perfect. Who is? Everyone has their breaking point.
I knew being a mother was forever - when they are little you worry. When they are grown ups, their problems are HUGE and you find yourself back to worrying again. I don't want to hear about all their bills and how much they owe. It makes me sick to my stomach, because when they tell me this crap, I can only think, there is no end.
I have to put a gentle end to this - I want my gold watch.
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