Saturday, July 27, 2013

LONG vent - It's time for them to go

we've actually thought about selling the house and moving back into our RV

When you have 2 adult sons living with you - life starts to get too loud, too expensive, and stressful. Plus to make matters worse,  the Husband is their step-father.  Navy is 28 now and Foodie is 33.  They have been living with us for...for at least 3-4 years. I think it's close to 4 for Foodie.

You know, it was Benjamin Franklin, that said,

"House guests and fish start to smell 
after 3 days."

this looks familiar

I have always believed that to be true - and for your own flesh and blood-born-sons, it does take a bit longer before it starts to smell.  For the Husband it has been "smelling" for quite some time.  He was all for allowing them to come home, to start over again - however he never in his wildest dreams thought it would take this long.

I admit, I have enjoyed having them home.  Foodie moved out at 18 - and Navy did as well, and joined the military.  I never thought I would have this time with them again.  It was kind and loving for The Husband to do this, however he doesn't love them like I do.  In fact at times, it seems he hates them. Of course he says that is not true...only wanting them to be men and get their lives together.  He accuses me of babying them -

I'd say after the first year it became stressful. A ex military man does not like the fact that grown men are living off him even if their Mom still thinks of them as her children.  Well, they still are and YES I know they need go and that its me who has to push them out of the nest.  The Husband commiserates with other vets who also have grown children (and grandchildren) living with them, and others who don't have a clue - yet they all voice their bad-ass opinions.  Then Chief, (the other nickname for the Husband and stands for Chief Petty Officer) starts in with the passive aggressive crap that drives me crazy, makes them mad and adds more stress to an already stressful household.

This is how I live

Lately, there has been major tension.  Chief thinks they need to help out more - that they sleep in too long during the daytime (never mind that they do work swing shifts and don't get home till 11pm or beyond)  I could go on and on about how unreasonable Chief gets and how he looks for things to just complain about with them.  I am the buffer - the one who is in the middle - and YES it is a choice to place yourself in the middle. I don't want to be in the middle but many times, I feel The Husband is totally unreasonable and I don't agree with him.  Of course he thinks I am taking sides - It's just that I learned one time, that if I confide in him, that they are bugging me, he gets all protective and lights into them.  It's just NOT HIS PLACE to do that.  He feels that it is. 

This morning I woke up to find a sink full of dirty dishes - and a clean empty dishwasher right there.  I know if I complain to The Husband he will get all pink and pushed in - and wake them up and confront them.  I want a quiet morning.  So like the "co" that I know I am, I cleaned everything up.  Then when Foodie got up, and I knew Chief wasn't around, I very nicely asked him NOT to do that again.  OH MY GOODNESS - Foodie is harboring some major resentments - he lashed back at me and said that the Chief makes bigger messed and that it wasn't him. Really upset me.  Then he went on to say, he hates being home - hates living here and tries to stay out as much as he possibly can, so he doesn't have to be around the Chief.  Then stormed off to work.

I think it's time - I talked with Navy who is the sweet one - but he knows that it is time - its just that his new job is not full time.  He and Foodie would have to move out together.  Navy is using our van to get to and from work - his car does not run.  Foodie refuses to learn to drive - still thinks he lives in the bay area, where he depended on mass transportation. 

Yeah it's time for them to go. I am asking them to set a goal - like in 6 months or whenever because I realize they do not have the savings. When you live with your parents (even though I make them pay us a modest room and board) they still have more EXTRA money than we do. And they spend it when they should be saving it. Maybe when they are on their own once again, they will be more responsible with their money.  It's like they keep living with us, waiting for that BIG BREAK that will give them the BIG paycheck so they can move.  No, I think they have it backwards.  If they can scrape by - then they need to get out and do what they have to do, to get that BIG paycheck. It's called The Struggle and we've all had to do it. 

I love them - but it's going to have to be tough love. and I am not good at that.


  1. Yeah adult children living with their parents is not so much fun as it is stressful, as a mum we want to make things easier for our children but at some point we sit and thing enough is enough move out and stop laying around the house........if the child is looking and trying to find their own place we have a bit more patience but when they seem to not be bothering to try and become independent again we get really annoyed........I have been down this road when my daughters moved home thankfully only had one at a time with grandchild of course.

    1. They have do have jobs, but that is about it. They lay around the house when they are not working and don't help out like they used to. It's maddening and after awhile, you just feel like you are being used.

  2. What a difficult situation, but for your sanity and the sake of your marriage, they must go. I know how difficult it is to be tough.


  3. It might be different if you were single, and they were there to help you out...

  4. It is so hard! You love them and want them close, but you know they need to be on their own. Chief would like his home back without them, I'm sure. It does put you in the middle and maybe you are babying them a little. After all, they are your babies.

    I hope you get it all figured out so that everyone is happy. Maybe they can live together and make ends meet. Good luck!!

    1. I hope we can get it all worked out and still remain a close-knit family.


Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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