Wednesday, May 08, 2013

10 years since...


Michael and I at his graduation in 2001. Cal State Long Beach.


I've heard his voice.
Touched his face.
Laughed at his humor.

I'm good today even though it is that dreaded 10 year anniversary since my son died.  I had a little cry last night before going to bed - when I am tired, it hits me.  I had a good sleep last night.

I am VERY AWARE of what today is. I'm Michael's Mom and Mom's don't forget.

I am not going to torture myself with going through the memory of it all. Lets just say, it was the worst. Michael wouldn't want me to do that.

I sure miss him. I can't help but wonder, what would of become of him. Seems that now, people are more aware and educated about dwarfism and little people - thanks to Matt Roloff's Little People, Big World.  We knew Matt when he was a teenager and young adult.  His family lived in San Bruno and used to host, LPA gatherings when Michael was just a baby.

Okay - getting REAL here.  Yes I am a Christian and yes, I feel confident I will see him again.  But I miss him.  I can't stand it when I'm told, he is in a better place - and his time here was up...okay I agree but as the mom, I just wasn't ready to let him go.  Together, him and I had so much more, to accomplish.  Back then I was quite the advocate for average size parents who had a dwarf child.  That was my mission.  Then, it just vanished. It was like, my work was done.  I haven't been the same since.

Oh well, I'm not the first mom who has ever lost a child - I won't be the last.  It's just not normal for a mom to grieve over their child. It's not supposed to happen that way.  I felt like I had been robbed.

Okay I am going to stop now.  I'm feeling as if I might start spewing a lot of crap, that just tortures my emotions.

It will be a good day.  I will make it.



8 comments:

  1. You have been robbed. It isn't normal for a parent to grieve for a child. You have every right to grieve more right now at the 10 year anniversary. Give yourself the gift of tenderness to allow the feelings to wash anew over you...it is all part of a healing process that will never be complete, and yet you know, with time, it does improve to at least a tolerable level. But it's perfectly normal for a big anniversary like this to set you back a bit. Don't fight it, let it wash over you. And try to make some time by the weekend to do something special for yourself, although the timing of Mother's Day will likely just prolong the grief. That's ok to. You have been robbed.

    So sorry, sweetie.

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  2. I've been waiting for you this morning. I know it's a hard day. Many people love you and care about you and are praying for you -- including me.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Aww, that's sweet. Thank you!

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  3. I'm thinking about you today.

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  4. I feel for you and hope you get through today ok. Go do something Michael would have liked, he would want you to be happy :)

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Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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