Thursday, April 04, 2013

(A-Z) The consequences of Divorce




D is for Divorce.

I was married to my high school sweetheart for 24 years.  How sad that we couldn't even make it to 25 years.  We had been through so much together.  We split after 22 years - I hated all the arguing and fighting.  I was so much better when he was not around.

We battled on and off for 2 years before the divorce was final, while separated.  That was a hard 2 years!!!  Our sons chose to live with me.  It wasn't even an issue and I was thankful for that and he seemed to not care.  He moved in with his mother and didn't have room for them anyway, except for on his weekends. 

 I was 15  and a freshmen and he was a senior-jock in high school.  Honestly, when I look back,  my folks should of never allowed me to get tied down to one boy - but then again I probably wouldn't of listened to them.

After the divorce, I blossomed!  I had the best time with my friends - and my sons. Our home life was more peaceful and not as chaotic as it had once been. The drama was gone.  I do regret those years, while married when I was preoccupied at trying to save my marriage - often over-looking things with my sons, that I would have not done, had I been more attentive to them.  I regret that!

I haven't seen my ex in almost 10 years, since our first born son passed away. I last saw him at the Memorial.  He had made a complete fool out of himself.  He hasn't seen his other 2 sons since then,  either. I don't understand that.  How can someone who said they loved their sons, then go on to just cut them out of their life?   After that, we lost total contact with him.

A friend of mine back told me that he had been spotted - and he was homeless,  living at the beach.  No job, no house, nothing.  Just a bum.  About 2 years ago,  the attorney for his mother's estate contacted me.  He was on a missing person database - and they had to notify him since he had inherited a lot money, half a house and property in Arizona.  He did finally show up, to the attorney's office, stinking of booze, and looking quite disheveled. He received almost a million dollars!  We still have not heard from him and he knows where to find us.

No one would of even believed this would of happened to us. We were like the couple most likely to succeed!  Our neighbors and friends thought we were this wonderful couple that had this beautiful marriage.

Once we divorced, a couple of neighbor ladies had told me he had made some "advances" to them, while we were married.  Yeah he had those "issues" as well.  Makes me wonder, if they had told me, back then - would I have believed them?  One friend told me, he always gave her the creeps. Wow.  Then I started hearing about the neighbors - and their marriages started breaking up. This was in the mid 90's.  It was crazy.  It's like we started it all, with our divorce.

Divorce is always sad for the children, no matter what their age and no matter what they say. It hurts.  Sometimes a divorce has to happen. Many times it can wait. I tried to wait but he got worse with the drinking and the drugs, the lying and the sneaking around. I was afraid he would bring us all down with him.  I couldn't take it anymore and did what I had to do.  As for my sons, it affected them. They do not trust or even want a serious relationship and seem to be confirmed bachelors.














photo credit: bobfranklin via photopin cc

23 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing that.
    You've been through a lot.
    Lovely lovely post :) x

    auntyamo
    http://ficticiousamo.wordpress.com/

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  2. I wouldn't worry too much about your sons' 'bachelor' status. My Husband is a child of divorce - a messy one that involved cheating and general pettiness from his father - yet we have been happily married for three years. I know it's not long in the grand scheme of things but we lived together for 3 years prior to tying the knot and he has confessed that he thought he'd never get married; it's obviously about finding the right person, so your sons may be tempted to give marriage a go one day. Or they've seen how much happier you are now, without your husband, and have realised that a ring and a 'piece of paper' does not guarantee success or happiness. Great post :)

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    1. You are probably right. Thanks

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  3. Wow....SO sorry you had to go through all that! My first husband...we were married 24 years (!!!!), divorced for 1 year, than remarried for another 6, then divorced a final time. Thought not as screwed up a person as your ex, it wasn't easy, still isn't. Although we are very friendly in person. I'm happily remarried (will be 10 years in October), and he's flitted from relationship to relationship. Sorry you and your sons have had to go through all that.

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    1. Wow. I am remarried too. It has been 11 years for us this past Feb. I'm happy.

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  4. Great post. Twenty-four years is a long time, good for you for having the courage to make changes.

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  5. I was worried at first that this would be too depressing to read! BUT it wasn't, because I finally breathed out when you said how much you blossomed without him. I don't understand how people can just leave their families like your ex did and never call them or see them. Perhaps he is ashamed. Thank you for sharing your story!

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    1. I think he is ashamed. I wish he would get over it and contact his sons.

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  6. Sounds so hard, but it also sounds like the divorce was necessary. I can't imagine that it wouldn't affect the kids. so sorry that all of you had to live thru this.

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  7. Very thoughtful post, thank you for sharing this. I didn’t know you had lost a son, so very sorry to hear that. Cannot understand you ex’s behavior at the memorial. Unbelievable about what happened to him (and he should have shared some of that wealth with his sons!). Yes, divorce is hardest on the children, but I agree, sometimes it definitely has to happen and it’s for the better.

    I married a divorced man with two teenagers who never accepted me. I don’t blame the kids. I didn’t know him well enough before I married him to see he had no real relationship with his children except for money, that’s all he did was give them $, not time or affection. So when he remarried, they naturally took it out on me and hated me despite my best efforts to reach them. Then when I was unable to have children of my own, needed in vitro, my husband said wait, not the right time. I waited and lost my window of opportunity. Then I wanted to adopt, again wait. Boy, I was so blind I never saw the problem was he didn’t care about children. Other than that, he’s an OK guy but staying with him has cost me what I wanted most, a family. If I had just left and divorced years ago, I might have still been able to adopt on my own or with someone else. But at my age now, my child-rearing years are gone, so I stay for the security but inside I am heartbroken. Divorce can sometimes be the right decision.

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    Replies
    1. Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that. ;-(

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  8. Wow. What a great post, raw and honest and open as it is. Thanks for sharing.

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  9. Hi, love your post today. I was a child of divorced parents at the age of 12, it was a horrible and bitter divorce after an affair. It left me insecure and unable to trust, I always said I wouldn't get married. After 10 years with my boyfriend, my dad died suddenly and it made me realise how life is too short and I decided I wanted to get married. I have only been married to my husband for 7 months (together for 12.5 years in total) so I would agree that your sons are likely to change their minds one day and trust again. I'm glad you are enjoying life now!

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    1. I am enjoying life - I have been remarried now for 11 years.

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  10. Thanks for visiting me earlier and I hope you return often. This post tells it like it is. I remember thinking the same thing....couldn't even make it 25 years; I lasted 21. So many of my friends have seen their 50th anniversary by now but not me. Oh well.....I picked wrong and have been afraid to take another chance. Good luck in the 'challenge' and hope to see you again.

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  11. We are so hard on ourselves. All the regrets pile up, a collection of hurts that others have laid on us, and we've allowed to be inflicted. Oh, for a crystal ball. We should each be issued one at birth. But since we aren't, maybe we should forgive ourselves, and know that we did the best we could with what we had on any given day. Hind sight is 20/20 :-) Good for you for moving on and finding real joy in your life. :-)

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  12. Visiting from the A to Z Challenge.
    I actually think you're very brave for doing what you did. It had to have been very difficult for you & your sons.

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  13. It might be sad for the kids, but make them happier people. I was SO happy when my parents got divorced. My dad was an alcoholic, not fun to live with! (visiting from A-Z)

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  14. Great post, and thank you for being so open :)

    You asked me on my blog if I'm in GB, and no I'm not, I'm in the US :)

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  15. I read your story with interest. I have two sons in their 40's who still don't understand why their father does not want to be a part of their lives. I wish I had ended the 14 year marriage sooner so there wouldn't have been so much damage to my kids. Still, they are relatively happy and love their stepfather who means much more to them than their father ever could. We have been married 30 years now and although the pain for the kids hasn't gone away, they do have a dad who loves them and they have learned that love comes in all kinds of forms.

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  16. Love this post. Working in pediatrics, I can say that divorce does effect even the most resilient of kids. Adults get so wrapped up in being angry at each other that they often forget to see how it's effecting their children. Kids grow up and move on, but can they truly say they get over it?

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Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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