Monday, December 17, 2012

The Club no one wants to join

the path no one wants to go on

When the holidays come, I walk a thin line -  It's my 9th Christmas without my son, who died in 2003. Each season, I stumble along a path that has been placed before me.  I have my good years and my bad. Fortunately I am starting to see more good ones. Why? Because I choose to be happy for others that I love and hold dearly. However it can be a battle.

My emotions are just under the surface every Christmas. I try so hard to protect my emotions by avoiding too much sentimental stuff.  If I am not careful,  it might trigger me. Its like once I get "touched"  I could lose control with my emotions. I hate that about myself. 

With the shootings - and the victims being so young -  and the adults being someone's child, I tried my best. I usually won't watch TV memorials but last night I did. I felt I owed it to their parents. Not that they knew, but because in a way I understand a little, about what they will be going through now, for the rest of their lives. Granted, our situations are different, you see, they now belong to this club of forever grieving parents. A club no parent would join willingly - a path no one wants to go on.

They join with - proud mothers and fathers who lost their children in wars. Young parents who never got to see their infants because they died before they could even take their first breath.  The parents of little ones, who died to SIDS, and those who buried their children after a suicide. Children with cancer and terminal illnesses - and those elderly parents who lose their adult child, in their own "golden years." Its not supposed to happen that way. It goes on and on and on and on...

I wish there was something I could do - because all I can think about are those parents.  I was blessed to be able to have 25 years with my son.  I can't imagine losing him at age 6 or 7. Then again, young parents can't imagine , raising up someone, getting them off to college and believing they are "on their way" only to lose them, at the prime of their lives.

It all sucks. I hate this club I am in.

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