Sunday, July 01, 2012

Temporary "Grief-mode" episode - My dark-side

No it's not morning. It's 11:21 pm and I can't sleep. I have just decided that I don't have one place in my house, where I can cry in private. So I will write out my thoughts instead, hoping it will relieve me of my insomnia.

Now, why am I so weepy?  Like clockwork,  every year around this time (since Michael's death in 2003) I am reminded, that his birthday is just around the corner in August. It's crazy, really,  because it's been 9 years.  I was just saying last week, while we were watching a movie about a Mom whose son died; that I can watch something like that, and not get myself all worked up; like I used to. My husband always gets a little apprehensive and protective about situations and movie story-lines with children dying (of any age) or a mother who is grieving. It used to put me back into serious "grief-mode."  But I'm good now...

However, tonight when in bed, as I was trying to relax and drift off to sleep...when Michael pops into my mind.

 "Noooooo, not now - I am trying to sleep, plus I don't want to cry anymore!"

So I start to cry - trying hard to muffle my sobs as not to wake my husband. I feel the grief - I think back to when I first was told - those days after. I think about how long it's been since I hugged him, heard his voice, touched his face.  My whole being misses him terribly.  I feel as though, I can't go any longer without him.  I don;t ever want those memories of him to fade, but its been 9 years. I fear they might be.

My nose is stuffed up - I can't hold back the tears that roll down my cheeks, as I quietly sob.  At times I want to just let loose and cry and yell and shake my fist, one more time at God. It's been such a long time.

These "moments" go as fast as they come. I will be fine. Just something, I have to do. I need to release the pressure. There might be more this month as I get closer to the day.

I feel better now. I just hope I can now, get to sleep.

2 comments:

  1. I can't imagine, and I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are good - I admit, sometimes I don't respond back, in time for a dialog. I bad! I will TRY and do better. Thanks for understanding.

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