Sunday, July 29, 2012
A Sunday Confession - not going to church
I kinda feel bad. Second week in a row I haven't been to church. My husband went without me. Now I said I "kinda" feel bad. Not entirely. I know he wishes I would go - I wish I wanted to go. I guess I am going through something. I wish I knew what it was. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am a Christian. And I do believe. I just don't like other Christians. The more I hear of the hypocrisy in other believers, it just makes me not want to hang with them. The most stuck up people I have ever seen in my life, were in church. Cliques? Oh my, it's high school all over again!
Ever since we moved here - I haven't felt at peace, where I go to worship. This thing I am going through - has lasted 5 summers. I think the worst time, that threw me off was we got involved in a small church and I really liked it. Everyone was cool - I tend to like Christians who have struggled in their past and made it through versus the ones where everything has been peachy keen. Their biggest struggle in life has been, praying for the right house, college or school for their child. Anyway, we were going - having fun - learning and then all of a sudden the Pastor started gossiping about others; lying and then I heard he talked about my husband. My husband confronted him and there was a blow out. A very mean-spirited blow out and I realized that this Pastor who I did like in the beginning was a master manipulator.
About 8 years ago, we were also part of a Messianic fellowship. The Rabbi was an awesome and gifted teacher. I did notice some things, but just denied them. Then it came out. One day he just up and left his wife - filed for divorce and moved in with one of the younger ladies, that was a good friend of their family. That was such a big hurt for me. Such a gifted man. I felt so bad for his wife, his mother and father of who had been a pioneer in the Messianic movement in the 60's and was a Rabbi in good standing, himself. It was quite scandalous.
After that we attended a diverse church that was mega in size. The Pastor was a good looking black man and he seemed like such a "man for God". After we moved up here, I heard that he got caught having an affair with someone in the church.
Maybe all of that has taken it's toll on me. I know that we are all sinners and we need a savior. But come on now, if you are going to serve God, you have to be good, don't you?
So I don't have a problem with God - like I said, I do believe. I have issue with the "body." I can't trust them. I don't believe them. I wouldn't turn my back on them for a minute.
So when I am in church, instead of learning and listening to the word, I am there, looking around at all the people there that I think are just big phonies.
I know I shouldn't be doing that. That's why I am not there this morning.
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